Tag: Person Centred Counselling

Bereaved parents of adult children

siobhantoner

Do you know how to support bereaved parents of adult children?

Its a type of bereavement that doesn’t get as much written about it as when the deceased are children or babies yet the parents have still lost their child, whatever age they are.

For the surviving parent or parents, like with any bereavement time changes the way grief presents but it doesn’t go away. Whether it is six months, a year or ten years on their lives have changed irrevocably.

One of the most painful things can be how wiped out of history their child is; this can happen when people around them find it too difficult to talk about the dead person. So what happens is they avoid the subject and the parents are left alone with their grief.

It can also happen when people around them are making assumptions about the level of their grief; just because the parent is functioning and getting on with their life it doesn’t mean they are not still in pain. Mothers Day, the child birthday, the parents birthday, Christmas or other significant dates will be particularly difficult.

The parents may also have taken on a new role as primary caregiver to their grandchildren and be dealing with the many challenges this can bring.

Sometimes the simplest things can be really effective, a handwritten note saying you are thinking of them, showing them a photo you have found of their child, acknowledging their loss, asking how they are and being prepared to listen if they want to talk or to accept if they don’t.

The guideline is the same as when the bereavement first happens, even if some time has past never assume, just be there.

 

Weather and its impact on moods

siobhantoner

t’s been a beautiful sunny day here in London and I have noticed how much it has lifted my mood.

The sky is clear and blue; the temperature is mild but with a gentle breeze running across my skin and keeping me feeling cool and fresh.

I’m comparing it to a recent day which was wet but sticky and very very grey and I felt nasty, sweaty and with soaking clothes by 9am in the morning that I had to stay in all day.

The impact on how I am going about day due to the weather is huge. I feel less stressed, more at ease and taking the time to enjoy the sunshine and the world around me.

The other day I just had my head down and tried to avoid the environment as much as possible.

How much do you notice the weather and what impact does it have on your moods?

Do you give yourself the time to revel in the good days like I am today? Reflecting on it as I write I know I don’t do that very often, but doing it today has given me a new appreciation and determination to make more effort going forward.

I know I have a tendency to focus on the doom and gloom of life instead of the moments  of joy. Today I’m celebrating the weather and feeling incredibly mellow and relaxed.

 

Attachment

siobhantoner

This is a great video explaining attachment theory and the sort of issues that can come from childhood.

Its useful for adults, both as parents but also as part of our own self reflection. If we can understand our own attachment styles and why they were formed it can help us explore the issues we have in the present.

Domestic Violence

siobhantoner

Unfortunately a few acts of extremist violence have taken place recently. I have been thinking about the response to those events in the general public. The sort of comments I read on social media and how whole communities are being tarred by the behaviour of the few.

However I can’t help but also think about the other acts of violence that occur on a daily basis and don’t get attention. Where is the outrage for those victims?

I am talking about domestic violence, perpetrated most often (but not exclusively) by men.

How many people share posts on Facebook condemning this and calling for their community to do more to stop it?

The data

According to this article during the 6 years to the end of 2016, in only England and Wales, more than 900 women were murdered. That is 150 victim per yearin these two countries alone. How high is the number across the world?

On this website I found these truly horrific estimates for that

An analysis of a United Nations global crime study has revealed that an estimated 43,600 women are killed every year by an intimate partner or family member. This is the equivalent to five women every hour or one woman every 12 minutes.

And this is just the estimated death toll. What about those that aren’t killed. How many are being physically and emotionally abused on a daily basis? How many children are witness to it and also being traumatised.

Compared these numbers with those killed in terrorist incidents in the UK and in Europe in this article.

Over the last 10 years there have been 1.4 deaths per year in the UK due to terrorism

Yet there have been 150 women per year killed in England and Wales alone by current or former partners.

How do you feel about these figures? Are you shocked, or all too familiar through personal experience of how widespread domestic violence is? Please get in touch if you need support for your own situation.

Child sexual abuse

siobhantoner

Ex-school governor who imported child sex doll is jailed

This case really brings home to me how pervasive child abuse is and the ingenuity of the perpetrators.

It has no limits in terms of social economic class and position. Yet there is still I feel a belief amongst some people that it wouldn’t happen in their society or peer group.

In some of the reporting on the allegations against Ted Heath (former PM) one of his friends was quoted as saying something like “I knew him for 50 years and didn’t get a hint of anything like this”. But isn’t that the point! Why would you get a hint if you aren’t part of it?

Abusers are skilled and able manipulator who can hide their crimes from all around them. To assume because you didn’t know about it, then it can’t be true is nonsense.

Abusers do not all fit a stereotype, nor do their victims. Sadly, though by the time the victims do report the damage that has been done to them can make them less credible as witnesses and their lifestyle gets used against them.

I was at a conference a couple of weeks ago which was on trauma and adversity in childhood. Not all relating to abuse admittedly but a great deal of traumatic events children and young people experience are from some sort of abuse. There was a snip-it of info that shocked me, if the adverse experiences were addressed when the victims were young it is estimated that the prison population would be halved and the mental healthcare system would also see a huge reduction in diagnosis.

So when the people do finally disclose what they have suffered why is there a section of the media and our communities so quick to judge them as unreliable? 

It’s time to help them find some healing, not re-traumatise them by attacking them again.