Tag: Counsellor SE6

“Not too good actually, not good at all”

siobhantoner

“Not too good actually, not good at all”

Walking through the station today I overheard someone saying this into their phone.

I don’t know the context or what was going on as I moved passed and didn’t hear anything else but I was really struck by the statement.

How often do we really tell the truth when it isn’t very good? This could have been about anything, an interview, work, physical or mental health, relationships or life itself.

  • We don’t usually tell people though for many reasons.
  • We don’t want to worry them
  • We don’t want to admit failure
  • We don’t want to be seen as weak
  • We don’t want to be a burden
  • We don’t think they will care
  • We don’t think they can help
  • We don’t want to be ashamed

So we don’t admit what is really going on. And when we hold back we create a barrier between us and them. Sometimes this is necessary, but what if this barrier is a hindrance? If we can show our vulnerability to our nearest and dearest, how near are they truly?

Coming to therapy may be the first time the client really admits to the things that are not good. Finding the words can be a struggle and take time if they have spent a lot of their time not sharing it.

It can leave us feeling incredible vulnerable to admit that things aren’t going the way we would like them to be. My experience though is that it’s an enormous step in bringing about change. Not all relationship can adjust to it, but those they do are often deeper and much more fulfilling.

 

Delayed grief

siobhantoner

This article, where Prince Harry talks about his delayed grief over his Mother is very moving. He talks about the consequences of not dealing with his feelings at the time and the impact of that in later life. 

 By having counselling, he has found a space to explore that grief and found a way finally to process it. 

In my experience, buried feelings always have an impact on how we live our lives, even decades later. Not everyone wants to address them and they find a way to cope, but for others it is a way to heal and live a more fulfilled life. That’s certainly what it sounds like Prince Harry has found. 

Cost of therapy

siobhantoner

I don’t know if this increase in police calls related to mental health is due to underfunding or something else.

What I do know is that there are a lot of people around this country needing support that they are finding hard to access. Not everyone can afford to pay for private therapy, but for many there isn’t much alternative. Like most therapists I keep my prices as low as possible as I understand its not easy for everyone to fund.

It may seem expensive to you as the client and you may wonder why it is so high. However we have a lot of costs you won’t be aware off that the session fee goes towards. Insurance, membership body fees, advertising and ongoing professional development are all necessary. If you are seeing me or another counsellor in there office, there are additional rental costs which will take a big percentage of the session fee.

If the fees are still too high for you, try and explore what low cost counselling is available in your area. Training institutions usually provide a service with their trainees, specialist charities and in some cases the NHS and Local Authorities. They will all be assessing need and may well have waiting lists sadly.

What are the benefits of online counselling

siobhantoner

Are you thinking about having therapy online but are not sure about if its right for you and don’t understand how it works?

Below are some of the benefits which may apply to you but firstly:

how does it work?

You will need to make some choices on how you want to engage with your therapist. It can be a video call where you see each other or an audio call. Alternatively you can go text-based like having a conversation on a chat application which will still be in real time.

The benefits

Making this choice is one of the first benefits, you can choose what makes you more comfortable. Some people are distracted by video calls and very self-conscious so prefer an audio call. Others have slower connection speed which means they prefer audio or messages. Others prefer message based because they find it very hard to talk about their issues and this makes it easier for them. I have clients who have chosen different ones for these reasons.

You may be one of the many people ok with meeting their counsellor face to face in their office, but you may also be one of those who finds it very hard and it may be stopping you accessing counselling in the first place. Working online means you are able to choose where you are, usually at home, so it can be a lot more comfortable. Being in a more comfortable place can make it easier for you to talk about what is worrying you.

You may be one of the clients who need one of the biggest benefits, convenience. Not having to travel to and from the counsellor’s office can save a lot of time. You may not live or work very close to a counsellor or be in a small community where seeing a local counsellor wouldn’t feel comfortable.

As well as the travel convenience, scheduling a regular weekly slot can be hard for some people due to other commitments. Therefore, for people working shifts, evenings and different patterns each week or have to be in different location this might be the only way you can get to see a counsellor.

Next steps

As a way of working, it’s still relatively new to a lot of people but try it. You might find it is the best way for you. Get in touch and we can schedule a trial session.

What is it really like to have counselling?

siobhantoner

What’s it really like to have counselling?

This is the question that so many people have before they start.

We see so many portrayals of it in the media, some positive, some not.

It doesn’t have to include a couch! My office for my face to face does have one but most people just sit on it.

In our initial assessment I will have some things that we need to cover. The first is around my contract and boundaries of confidential. This is to ensure you know what you are working and ensures you feel safe with those. It wouldn’t be ethical for me to let you tell me loads of things that I then have to disclose as you didn’t know I would have to do that.

The second thing I like to get a feel for is why you want to come to counselling. Not everyone says all the things that are bothering them as this point but it does give me an opportunity to assess if I have the skills and experience to work with you. Again this is about keeping you safe and not offering you something I can’t work with. For example I am not trained to deliver exposure therapy so I am not the person to help you overcome a fear of flying or spiders.

The first sessions usually go one of two ways. The client comes and has loads they want to say and have someone hear so I don’t say much at all.

Alternatively the client isn’t sure where to start and I might invite them to talk about themselves by asking them general questions about themselves and their life.

Each client is unique so it can take time for us to get to know each other better. 

Counselling is all about the relationship between us; I don’t mean that the client is going to hear all about who I am as well. I mean that the client can see if they feel able to share their problems with me. If they can’t do that then the therapy can only go so far.

This relationship can take time which is why I ask clients to give it 6 session unless they absolutely hate it or they already have got what they want out of it.

The more we build our relationship the more the client is able to explore what is going on for them and find some healing.

Why does this experience of therapy brings about change though, that’s another big question. It doesn’t always, let’s be honest about that. Sometimes it the relationship not working as effectively as it could; sometimes it’s just not the right point in the clients life. Too much may be going on to give the therapy the space it needs or they don’t have the best support network around them.

Yet when all these things do come together clients can make amazing changes.

The process is enhanced by have someone who is there for you completely for a fixed period of time every week. It becomes all about you which is quite a unique experience for most of us yet once we become used to it then the work really begins.

Mental health and work

siobhantoner

The figures in this article, that half of people wouldn’t be comfortable talking about mental health issues at work is worrying but not a surprise.

With the recent focus on raising awareness of issues by high profile individuals, I hope that begins to change.

Too many people still struggle without adequate support because of the stigma and an idea that they shouldn’t need it. Or worse, that their issues aren’t as bad as other people so they don’t feel they justify getting help.

The bottom line is that anyone can find themselves in need of support, either through illness or events the life throws at them. It takes enormous courage to reach out and look for it. 

Suicide

siobhantoner

If you have ever felt suicidal yourself, been impacted by someone else’s suicidal ideation or just want to understand more about suicide then I recommend this podcast.

What is clear from the work they are doing is that suicide can be preventable if help is asked for. Obviously not everyone will have a health service that is following this model yet, but I hope the work they are doing is adopted by others.

Please contact the https://www.samaritans.org or your local healthcare services if you are immediate need of support.

 

What are your shoulds?

siobhantoner

I came across a talk today I really enjoyed.

Warning, before clicking the link please be aware it is quite sweary. Link to talk.

The message I really took away from it is one I see again and again in my work – how much we do because we feel we should.

Should’s – they create so much anxiety and guilt. We do things we don’t want to because of them, feel guilty if we don’t do them, or even feel guilty if we do them and don’t enjoy it (despite knowing we wouldn’t enjoy them in the first place).

Why is it so hard to refuse? What does saying no mean to us? For each of us there is probably a different story, but I would assume a lot of them are rooted in childhood.

What judgement was put on you when you refused? What value on you as a person if you didn’t want to do something?

What impact does the thought of refusing something have for you now? How cluttered is your life because of it? How anxious?

Unacknowledged suffering

siobhantoner

I came across the image below and I found it incredibly powerful.

While it applies to any form of suffering, it is very common for the abuse between siblings to be ignored or dismissed. Society tends to downplay problems between siblings and categorise them as normal family dynamics. They are not always normal though.

Emotional, physical and sexual abuse all have long term impacts on the victim and when people around you act as if nothing bad happened it can be devastating. On top of that you are also expected to remain in a relationship with your abuser by family and friends.

This adds another layer of violence to what has already been suffered.

What clients experience when having therapy

siobhantoner

You may question why people go to therapy? What is different about talking to a counsellor than talking to your friends and family?

Quite often our loved ones are great to talk too but they may find it difficult to sit with you when you are emotional. They may want to ‘fix’ you and make you feel better or get defence and not hear you properly.

A couple of examples of that are to do with two different emotions that clients may be feeling.

If someone you care about is upset and crying, what do you do? Offer comfort, hug them, pat their hand or arm, tell them it will be ok? These are all normal responses – but they won’t really happen in therapy. We let the client carry on crying and work through it. It may seem harsh, but it’s about giving the upset space. Otherwise we can end up suppressing it to make other people feel better.

One of my clients feedback years ago taught me how powerful this was “you let me cry, you didn’t try to stop me”.