Counsellor SE1 Archives - Page 3 of 11 - Counselling in London or online

False accusations

12/08/201812/08/2018 siobhantoner

I sometimes come across a view point that counselling is only for a certain type of person. While it’s not always specific what that type is maybe you can fill in the blanks for yourself.

It can be that a person comes to counselling because of a series of events but sometimes it is just one unexpected thing that rocks a person so badly they need support to come to terms with where it has left them.

None of us can anticipate or prepare for a day like that. We will get up, get washed and dressed, follow our usual routine or no routine oblivious to the fact that tomorrow morning our lives will be completely different.

The life changing event can take many forms. An error in judgement on our part or someone else’s. stepping out into the road too soon, not applying the brakes quickly enough. Getting on the wrong train. Missing a bus and walking instead. Our lives are full of these possibilities and thankfully they don’t always come to pass.

Sometimes though it’s an event caused maliciously and deliberately or one where someone is working to deflect attention and/or guilt from themselves.

False accusations of sexual abuse can fall into this category. Whatever gender we are, there will be others of any gender who will use these type of allegations for many reasons. To get revenge, to punish someone, to avoid their own feelings of guilt and shame, to convince themselves they aren’t responsible for their own actions.

Whatever the reason, the person accused will never to quite the same. Even when no charges are brought or if the are dismissed at trial, there will always be people who view them with suspicious and believe them guilty.

They will have to find a way in future relationships to share what has happened and run the risk of being judged as well.

Finding a way to reclaim trust in people when it gets shattered is no easy task. It can take a great deal of work and determination to keep trying; to hang onto hope that things will improve; to make yourself vulnerable again.

That’s when people need support.

Male domestic abuse

12/02/201811/28/2018 siobhantoner

Trigger warning – the linked article contains details of domestic abuse

This article is a very clear at detailing the impact of long term domestic abuse. It documents both physical and emotional abuse over a significant period of time. The toll it took on the victim, not just while they were with their partner by the psychological impact they have experienced ever since.

The victim in this case is male, the perpetrator female. This is a form of abuse that is still not as recognised by society and the scale of if is I believe still significantly under-reported.

Even the victims can find it incredibly hard to name what is happening to them as abuse. How society views maleness and what a man should be like can make it even harder for them to seek help as they can be mocked and vilified for “letting” this happen to them.

I am affiliated with Mencasa which aims to help you find a suitable therapist with experience in this area. Please get in touch if you need it.

Young peoples mental health

11/22/2018 siobhantoner

Have you seen the latest NHS Report on Mental Health in Young People?

Some keys points for me are:

One in seven I14.4%) of 11 to 16 year olds were identified with a mental disorder. One in sixteen (6.2%) met the criteria for two or more mental disorders.
Of these, the most common are emotional disorders, present in 9.0%. Then behaviour disorders at 6.2%.
While between 11-16, girls and boys were equally likely to have a disorder, girls were more likely to have an emotional disorder and boys a behavioural or hyperactivity disorder.
Between the ages of 17-19 about one is six (16.9%) had a mental disorder.
However, young women of this age are a high risk group as it was found that nearly one in four (23.9%) had some type of mental disorder, 22.4% had an emotional disorder.
Half (52.7%) of young women with a disorder reported having self-harmed or made a suicide attempt.
The results are further broken down into sexual identity, ethnic group, socioeconomics and social and family context and other factors.

Adverse Life Events

The report states that “children with a mental disorder were that likely than those without one to have experience certain types of adversity in their lives, like parental separation or financial crisis at home.”

I have written many times about the impact of adversity childhood experiences and this report shows again how significant they can be. What is also worrying is the one in five of the children in the survey waited over six months for contact with a mental health specialist. This is unacceptable when the risk of self-harm and suicide in these children and young people is greatly increased by having a disorder.

We as a society need to do more.

Sibling abuse – an interesting article

11/08/201811/19/2018 siobhantoner

This article on sibling abuse raises some interesting points on why it happens and signs to look out for.

It does seem to be focused mainly on sibling sexual abuse rather than physical or emotional abuse. All forms of sibling abuse are hard to get statistics for as in all the studies I’ve researched the sibling figures are included in “other family” general categories.

This quote from the article on impact for me is key for people to understand:

WHAT ARE THE LONG-TERM EFFECTS OF SIBLING ABUSE?

Time does not necessarily heal. Adult victims of childhood sibling abuse generally have lower self-esteem and are overly sensitive and insecure. They have trouble with relationships and repeat the victim role in their other relationships. They can have sexual functioning problems. There is continued self-blame at the same time that anger at their perpetrator is played out with others.

What it’s like for young people in London?

11/05/2018 siobhantoner

I work with young people in schools part of the week and I’m constantly saddened and often horrified at what they have to put up with. Maybe the levels of violence and fear aren’t in all areas but they are common enough that it is a problem for all society.

Every time there is a news report in of another stabbing in my area of which there have been too many this week I am looking for names to see if it is someone I know. So far it hasn’t been and I feel relief at that.

That leaves me feeling shame as well that I’m relieved it isn’t someone I know. However, it will be someones loved one. Someone out there is left with the grief and the horror. This moving article is by the brother of a young man who was killed last year.

Are you the family scapegoat?

11/01/201810/08/2018 siobhantoner

This article describes very clearly what it is like to be the family scapegoat in a toxic and abusive family dynamic.

This is a form of emotional abuse. Not only does it involve gas lighting where your experience of reality is denied and twisted, but it also can include collusion from all the family members. While they may not be as active at scapegoating, if they choose to be convinced and don’t take the time to reflect on what is really happening they are colluding with it.

How hard though is it for the person set up as the scapegoat to recover? The sad truth is very hard and this may take a lot of work and self-reflection. When these behaviour patterns get set into us in childhood we can take a lifetime to undo them.

If any of the points are resonating with you though, don’t give up hope. Because while it is hard work to recover, its worth it to find your authentic self and what you are truly capable of.

Children’s Mental Health

10/25/201810/08/2018 siobhantoner

As a school counsellor this article on children’s mental health sadly comes as no surprise to me. Its a terrible struggle to get children and young people into mental health treatments. Too many are being turned away as not meeting the criteria and thresholds. 1 in 4 as this article quotes also seems too low based on my experience.

Its not just an issue for those being refused treatment, or even the schools picking up the slack as best they can.

Each of these children and young people will (hopefully) grow up to be an adult. Statistically a lot of adults with mental health issues are first seen in childhood. By failing to treat them effectively when they first appear there is a greater risk of them affective the person throughout their life. This impacts all of society, with the cost of this being extended not just on treatment but potentially less ability to work and more benefits are needed.

Its a short term cost saving but the long term is creating more misery and hopelessness when there can and should be hope and recovery.

As the article says, its very bleak.

Anxiety

10/18/201810/01/2018 siobhantoner

Did you know anxiety is the most commonly searched for word in counselling? Yes, even more than depression. Anxiety is defined as a felling of unease which can range from mild to severe, it can include feelings of fear and worry as well as physical responses.

You may not realise that there are a number of different forms anxiety takes as well, some people will suffer from more than one. The following is a very simple summary of the main forms but if you want more detailed information there is loads out there to research. Over the next few weeks I’m going to go into more detail on some of them, what it’s like to have, what other people might find useful to know and how counselling can help.

Generalised Anxiety Disorder

Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD) is worrying excessively and often irrationally about events or activities. People who get defined as “worriers” without a specific issue may well be suffering from this. Its overthinking every situation and possible outcome, no matter how extreme.

Social Anxiety

Social Phobia is really focused on interactions with other people and worrying about what they think of you. It can lead to planning conversations and then analysing them afterwards. It can be minimised as shyness, but at its roots are very low self esteem.

Panic Disorder

Panic Disorder is having panic attacks regularly and maybe for no apparent reason. This may include physical symptoms such as nausea, sweating, palpitations of the heart and trembling. It can be incredibly distressing to experience and hard for other people to witness.

Agoraphobia

Agoraphobia is commonly thought of as being scared of leaving home. It can be more complex than that and it is linked to feelings of being unsafe so some people may be ok in a car but not on a bus or able to visit a corner shop but not a big shopping centre. Being in the places that are perceived as unsafe can mean the sufferer experiences a panic attack.

Phobias can also be associated with panic attacks which may be brought on my encounters with a specific object or situation. These can be animals, a place or situation such as heights or flying, blood or injury or something like a clown.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is caused by a very distressing or frightening event. It’s symptoms can include nightmares and flashback. It is now well know that military personal can experience it after being in war zones but it is also very common with civilians. Abuse, robbery, road accidents and even natural disasters can be some of the events that cause it and the symptoms may not appear for several years.

It also is very common in those who have suffered abusive childhoods. There is a separate category called complex PTSD for this when people have experienced repeated traumatising events.

Obsessive-Complusive Disorder

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) does get shown quite a lot in media now so you may have an idea of what it is, rituals and repetitive behaviour such as hand washing. What you may not be aware of is the obsessive thoughts/images aspect that some suffers experience and the fact that they may NEVER have the sort of behaviour that you might assume would happen. Hoarding also comes under OCD and the need for symmetry and order.

Emotional abuse

10/16/201810/02/2018 siobhantoner

I come back to forms of emotional abuse again and again as I believe it is the least understood and acknowledged form of abuse.

Emotional abuse exists in all other forms of abuse, sexual, physical and neglect but it also occurs without these other signs and that is why it is so hard to recognise from the outside.

Even the victims may not realise what has happened to them, especially when it occurred in childhood. It can take years to come to terms with and recognise the relationship between the emotional abuse and low self-esteem, depression and anxiety that the adult who was emotionally abused in childhood may experience.

Low self-esteem involve being made to feel that the victim isn’t as important as everyone else, that their needs don’t count. Their abuser’s needs are put before their own and it may be done so subtly they don’t even know it has happened. It’s hard enough to realise it is happening as an adult, much more in a child.

The child victim may be very helpful and easy to deal with, after all they have already been taught their needs are less important than others. This is why they so often get missed. As they grow up, they may be sensitive to what they see as selfish behaviour in others. After all, they never put themselves first, how selfish that other people do so. This view can be a symptom of the abuse they don’t even realise they have suffered and they can be very judgemental of other people because of it.

They have been conditioned to the fact that they shouldn’t put themselves and their needs first. But really, we all have to do that. Even parents who are doing all they can for their children can’t be totally selfless all the time. After all, if they don’t look after themselves then what impact can that have?

Emotional abusers expect others to put them first and they have an array of tools to manipulate, shame and bully their victims into making this happen.

It is not a personality flaw to put yourself first, it doesn’t make you bad or selfish. It is part of self-care. What is damaging and abusive is to expect others to put you first as well and to be resentful and coercive when it doesn’t happen.

Intimate partner violence

10/15/201810/02/2018 siobhantoner

Below is a reminder of the scale of violence between intimate partners. This is an American organisation so the overall totals reflect that countries population but there is no reason to believe that the same ratio’s don’t apply in the UK. The EU wide survey published in 2014 documents one in three women (33 %) has experienced physical and/or sexual violence since she was 15 years old.