Tag: Counsellor SE1

Bereaved parents of adult children

siobhantoner

Bereaved parents of adult children

There has been a lot of media attention lately on the subject of bereaved parents and ways to support them, but the focus has been on those who are parents of babies or children. There is another group of parents not getting as much acknowledgement, those who children are adults.

It doesn’t make it any easier to lose a child later in life, it is still as painful and bewildering for this group of parents. They may have other considerations to deal with as well, for example, a grandchild who have lost their parent. This may mean they put their feelings down to “stay strong” and support their grandchildren emotionally. They may even have to end up being the primary caregiver depending on the situation that the family is in.

There may also be a lot of history to be processed and they run the risk of getting stuck into “what ifs”. What if I did this differently, or that. The weight of their history can become overwhelming.

How can they be supported?

In many ways, it is the same as anyone who is dealing with a bereavement but you have to particularly respect to the fact they have lost their child. What is going to be really damaging to them would be “well at least you had x number of years with them”.

Don’t assume that your bereavements are anything like theirs. Thankfully most parents are not in the position where they outlive their children. If you have been through it, the chances are you already know from your own experience all of these things.

A simple thing to keep in mind

The best things to keep in mind is one simple guideline: never assume, just be there.

Instead of statements like “You must be/you must feel…” simply ask how they are. They will tell you what they are able to say at the time. It may not be much. Never say things like “you will get over it” or “you will never get over it”.

You may not see their grief, but don’t assume it isn’t there. While you may also be grieving, don’t assume they want to hear about it. Having to try and support you is not necessarily going to be something they can cope with.

Your opinions are not required unless asked for. While you may think it will be helpful to tell the person how the funeral should be, or what to do about the grandchild or any other topic, don’t assume they are needed. Offering yourself as a sounding board for the person to talk through all the pros and cons of the many decisions they have to make without judgment will be much more helpful.

They may not be able to talk about the child they have lost. Don’t assume this means they will never want to talk, or that they don’t want company now. The best support people can give each other is just being with them. Being present, even if you are in silence or talking about trivial things tells them they are not alone and that they are cared for.

They may not be behaving how you imagine you would in the same situation. They still have to eat, so maybe shopping and cooking or doing the cleaning and laundry as normal. A lot of these things are necessary to continue functioning and there is also comfort in them. There is a reason why people bring food to bereaved people, it’s because it’s a useful practical way to help without demanding anything of them.

I want to offer practical help

Offering help can be tricky. Being specific in your offer is probably the best, e.g. “I’m going to come and do your ironing today” or “I’ve made you a pie. I will put it in the freezer for when you need it”. However, be aware that what you are offering may not be required. Make sure the person has a way to refuse it and don’t be offended if they do. For example, if you say, “I will come and spend tomorrow afternoon with you as it’s the only time I have free” they may have plans already such as visiting the undertakers. This is going to put them in an uncomfortable position.

A really useful thing to do to help is telling other people what’s happened. Let the bereaved person know you are willing to do that and ask who you can ring. Think about friends you have in common. This means they are not in the position of having to repeat what’s happened to lots of people.

While the subject of money can be sensitive, don’t assume it is not a worry. There may not be any money put by for a funeral so the costs will be unexpected and very high. Is there any way you can help with this? It’s better to offer sensitively and not be needed that to keep quiet and leave the person to worry about this as well.

And finally, don’t assume that someone else is taking care of them and giving them the support they need when you are not. Never assume this, if you want to support them, be with them.

Therapy Wars

siobhantoner

This is a really interesting article on the history of some different forms of therapy and how CBT has become most common.

My modality, the person centred approached is part of the humanistic type of therapy and isn’t really mentions much. However, I think its worth noting that it sits between the psychodynamic and cognitive approaches being discussed.

I absolutely believe that all three approaches have there place, just as the therapist will be drawn to one type, so to will be the client if they have a choice. When I first explored training, the person centred approach resonated with me and that is why I chose a course based on this approach. 

I urge everyone who is looking to find a counsellor to do some independent reading on the types of therapy available.

https://www.theguardian.com/science/2016/jan/07/therapy-wars-revenge-of-freud-cognitive-behavioural-therapy

Sibling emotional abuse

siobhantoner

There are as many types of emotionally abusive relationships as there are types of abuse. Parent to child, partners, friends, work colleagues, but one that doesn’t get a lot of attention is between siblings.

These can be full, half or step siblings involved and while it’s usually the older siblings abusing the younger it isn’t always the case.

Name calling and belittling, being excluded, being made to feel worthless. All this things will have long lasting consequences to the victim. Low self esteem, a need to put others first, a need to never make mistakes.

What doesn’t get noticed though is quite often the underlying message of not feeling loveable. After all, if your own siblings hate you and treat you so badly there must be something wrong with you? The child experiencing this is going to internalise this sort of message very young. They are being abused by siblings they love and look up to.  They don’t have the ability to rationalise that the problem isn’t them.

So they will grow up with this message embedded deep inside as a self concept, even if they never name it.

There is a good chance they will never even realise that their experiences were abusive. After all everyone knows siblings can be difficult and sibling rivalry is normal.So it may well be downplayed and minimised by other members of the family whilst the low self esteem it created has a lifelong impact.

So what can be done to help? The first step is to really reflect on where you are? Do you find yourself always trying to put others needs before your own? Do you find it difficult to be with your siblings or have lost contact completely? Do you jokingly say my sibling always hated me and try and pretend that didn’t hurt!

Starting to explore that relationship can help you look at the current and past situations from a different perspective and give you the insights to change things in the future. It may be a painful experience but hopefully it will be worthwhile.

Living with depression

siobhantoner

This post has a very honest experience of living with depression and how peoples advice, no matter how well meaning can be very unhelpful for the suffer.

Mental health issues are complex and the more they are understood by those around the one suffering the more it will help.

Abuse

siobhantoner

This article on abuse contains a video click I’ve seen a few times, but each time I watch it I find it distressing.

What impact does neglect and abuse have long term for adults? The cycles of abuse can continue for generations, to work on changing that can be the work of a life time but changing things, no matter how difficult can help break the cycles.

What are you hoping to get out of therapy?

siobhantoner

It can be useful to have an idea what you want out of therapy, but not to stick to that too rigidly.

 In my experience, sometimes people are surprised at where it leads them and the benefits they get.

In the early days, a lot of the work can focus on other people, if they did things differently, if they weren’t the problem.

But a lot of clients come to the conclusion that they can’t change other people, but they can change how they respond to them. In the end, we can only change ourselves and what those changes become is where the unexpected element comes from.

 The most profound change we can make is learning to love and accept ourselves.

A little yellow car

siobhantoner

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-gloucestershire-39456449

I don’t know if you have seen this story, about a man being abused on social media because his car is considered an eyesore.

It brought up all sorts of emotions for me when I read the original story and even more when I saw the support he has received.

Tourists complained that his bright yellow car which he parked outside his own home ruined the view of the picturesque village he lives in. It was then vandalised.

I was furious when I first heard about that, I realise now its not just because of this story but what it represents. All too often, clients end up in distress because they have been told repeatedly by others how they should be or what they should do. Other people believing they have a right to dictate what a life and personality should be. The unasked for and unwelcome judgement of others can lead to verbal mocking and vandalism as in this case but also violence and mental health issues.

But this story also brought me hope. The fact that a rally has been held in support of the little yellow car with lots of other yellow cars lightened up my day.

The celebration of being outside the ‘norm’ and the support given to someone being victimised for it also reminded me of other stories and experiences.

We may be a little yellow car and it may cause problems because of some people, but someone else out there will get it. We just need to find them and hold onto ourselves so we can find a way to celebrate our yellowness.

Recognising emotional abuse

siobhantoner

What is emotional abuse?

Do you understand emotional abuse understand what it is? For me in many ways, it is one person expecting another to put them first – even though that could be detrimental to the other person. We all want to be important enough to another person that they want to put us first, it is the behaviour that follows comes with the expectation that can lead to abuse.

Put it another way; we would allow and encourage someone to put us first ahead of what is healthy and necessary for them or what they would really choose to do if they felt they could. Using tactics like manipulation, coercion, threats, emotional blackmail, attacking the sense of self and self-worth of another. To deliberately dismiss their values and their rights, their boundaries and autonomy.

I consider it very similar to a parent child relationship; a child is demanding and expecting of their needs to be met by their parent. However, as they age, hopefully they develop self-awareness and empathy for others and learn they can’t have everything they want no matter what the cost to others.

What happens if they don’t give us what we want?

What impact does that have on other relationships? Can they even see what they are expecting and that their behaviour is abusive? I think is part of why it’s so hard to recognise it sometimes. We have some blind spots with parent child relationships, but also, we might not just be the victim of it but we might also be the perpetrator.

Where is the line that you will or won’t cross?

For example, knowing you want to do something with your partner that they don’t want to do but finding a way to change their mind. Why aren’t you respecting their wishes? What were you prepared to do to get your own way? How much emotional pressure did you use to get what you wanted even though you knew they would be unhappy?

How often have you insisted a friend or family member put your needs first, even though they didn’t want to?

This leads to another question that is very uncomfortable to explore – why? Why can’t we accept someone saying no to us? Why can’t we accept that other people come first at times?

My experiences lead me to the conclusion that there is a great deal of insecurity and fear underlying a lot of this behaviour. Things can be changed, but recognising what is happening is necessary as a first step.