Tag: Counsellor SE1

Domestic Abuse

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Living in a home with domestic violence creates long term problems for all. Its not always as obvious as physical acts of violence; there are other more subtle ways to control and terrorise.

This article about two Brothers whose Father murdered their Mother and Sister describes their experience. What strikes me is that as is often the case the article quotes a neighbour describing the murderer as “a nice guy”. When I  read about these cases I nearly always find quotes like this, as though their behaviour is so out of character.

Whether it is a case that has ended in murder or not, so many people want to make excuses for the abuser. Too often the victim is blamed. Either they are not believed at all or they are deemed as responsible for “provoking” the abuser. Outsiders who haven’t lived in the home feel they have a right to comment in defence.

The reality is domestic abusers are often skilled manipulators. Friends and acquaintances are also being manipulated by them. Its often only those closest to them who may know the real people.

Therefore, don’t be fooled by a stereotype of what you think an abuser looks like. They aren’t all addicts and out of control people brawling in the street. They can be anyone, at any level of society. From the person serving you coffee to the bank manager, to your next door neighbour… to your friend…. to your family. And they won’t always be men either.

Loss and Bereavement

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There are many different types of bereavement, the losses that we feel grief over are more than just when people we care about die.

Sometimes people leave us. This can be family, for example when a parent or sibling leaves the family home we can be left feeling abandoned. Our friendship groups may break apart, this is very noticeable in school but it can happen at any age. We may separate with romantic partners and feel a great lose due to that.

Other types of loses can also be incredibly hard to cope with. The loss of a home – this can be due to poverty, breakdown of relationships or a secondary bereavement when a loved one dies.

The loss of innocence can be very traumatic if it comes through abuse. This can also link to being a victim of other types of crimes like a mugging or burglary, where we can loose a sense of safety in our surrounding.

The loss of a job through redundancy can be very upsetting as it can challenge our sense of self, our purpose in the world and our self esteem.

The loss of health, having to adjust to a future without the health we may have taken for granted up to then.

All these are examples of loss and bereavement, all these losses can have long term psychological impacts and we may grieve for what has been lost or the future we thought we were going to have.

What losses have you experienced?

 

Am I the right counsellor for you?

siobhantoner

I believe that everyone can benefit from having counselling once they find the counsellor that suits them.

How do you know if I am the right one for you? It may help to know a bit more about me. I come from a London Irish working class background and I was raised in Southwark.

I am down to earth and open in the counselling space and my role is to help facilitate your exploration of the issues that have brought you there. I do this by listening to what you are saying but also what you may not be saying. By exploring this with you it can lead to greater understanding of what you are experiencing.

I don’t just listen, I work to understand what it would be like to experience what you are telling me in a non judgemental way and I will check my understanding with you to ensure I am getting it right. This stops me making assumptions about you and your life.

I think its important to use regular language and vocabulary in our work together, I’m not there to impress you with my use of theory and academic abilities. When I speak it is only to help you in your processing of what you are bringing.

I believe that as many people as possible should have access to counselling so I also work online as it gives people more options, clients can schedule around work and family commitments without having to take extra time to travel to appointments.

Visit the contact page to find ways to get in touch. You may also notice that my home page gives details of my current availability. I know it can be incredibly frustrating reaching out to a counsellor only to find they don’t have space that is suitable for you so I try to keep this as up to date as possible.

Emotional Abuse

siobhantoner

The Christmas period can highlight some of the cracks within family systems and our relationships within them  I’ve been thinking a lot about emotional abuse lately and its impact, not just on the victim but the abuser.

Once the victim of emotional abuse recognises what is happening they often cut off all contact. When this is within families, parent and child or sibling, the abuser may still be left with expectations that are now not being met by the other person.

How often does the abuser recognise that it was their actions that led to the estrangement? In my experience, very rarely. Without that acknowledgement, the situation isn’t going to change. Instead the abuser may fall into a pattern of recrimination and self-pity and end up feeling as though they are the person who is being mistreated and believe that their victim is the one in the wrong.

Until we are able to really take responsibility, its not possible to grow as individuals. Its hard when we have done things that have harmed others but necessary.

Spending Christmas Day alone

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Are you finding the thought of Christmas day difficult because you are going to be spending it alone?

For years on Twitter there is a hashtag #joinin which was started by the comedian Sarah Millican . It was aimed aimed specifically at people who will be alone to give them people to talk to on Christmas day who are in the same situation. She said last year she was stepping down from it but hoped the hashtag would continue. With the demise of Twitters user base and rise of other platforms like BlueSky and Threads I hope the community that needs to find each other can do that this year.

Social media can be a great way to connect such as the twitter hashtag above, but it can also be something that makes us unhappy. This article has an interesting take on how Facebook lurking just makes us more dissatisfied if we believe everyone else is having a much better time than us. If you can’t use it to connect with people, how about having a break from it on Christmas day so you don’t put pressure on yourself on what it is supposed to be?

I wish you all the best over the next few days and hope you find some peace and joy, whatever your current circumstance.