Thursday Thoughts
Tag: Counsellor SE1
Not such a great time of the year
There is a lot of celebrating going on around us at this time of year, but what if you aren’t part of that?
There are many reasons that you may be finding the festivities hard to cope with. One of those is bereavement, either a recent one or one that happened at this time of year in the past. Cruse have put together the graphic at the bottom of the page which you may find useful.
But there are other reasons; you may be suffering from an illness that makes it hard to feel like celebrating. This could be a mental health illness or one that gives you physical pain.
You might be estranged from family members and all the talk of family gatherings make it hard for you to join in the happiness because of your own emotions.
Your children may not be spending Christmas with you as they are with their other parent or your family is in another country.
You may be lonely and feel you don’t have anyone to spend the holiday with.
There are always organisations open to offer you crisis help if you need it, the most well know is the Samaritans who are there to talk if you need it.
Maybe what you need is to plan to change something longer term and are thinking about therapy. This might be the time to initiate that, please feel free to contact me if that is the case.
To all those people who are finding it tough this year I hope you find some solace and find some peace despite what is going on for you.
Thursday Thoughts
Separated families
I see more online about family estrangements and separated families. While its always a risk going into comment sections of social media I also find it interested how people view these situations.
Now, like everyone else apart from those directly involved, I don’t know the full story of what is being posted. I do know the stories of many people (including my own) of those who have chosen to cease contact with family members. It’s never an easy choice and it usually comes after years or decades of toxic or abusive relationships. Within those relationships, all parties may have displayed behaviour they are not proud of; they may have tried to repair things unsuccessfully; they may have papered over the cracks again and again.
Each story will be different. What isn’t helpful is other people who are on the outside passing judgments. These judgements are at best unwelcome and also potentially damaging and abusive.
I was reminded recently of the request by many school for parents not to take photos at school plays because they may contain images of other children who are at risk. With these being put on social media, then they can be traced must easier. I am sure there are people who object to this as their experiences have meant that haven’t had to consider these things. It’s the same with judging separated families.
Without the experiences then it may not be obvious why people make the choices they make. Instead of judging or worse interfering in a way that can put people at risk, try and ask yourself what would lead someone to make a choice like that?
If you haven’t had a family like this, then please recognise what a privilege that is for you. A secure loving family of one of the greatest advantages anyone can have. The evidence on adverse childhood experiences which I have written about before show just what an advantage this gives to you.
If you have made a choice to remove contact with a family member, then I am sorry you have needed to and I wish you well. It can seem so much harder in December dealing with these issues as family celebrations are promoted to us everywhere.
Thursday Thoughts
When anxiety goes global
I first published this post in November 2016. I feel it is still very relevant now in November 2024.
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This morning the news and social media shows me so much anxiety about the changes to come over the next few months.
What is it about change and this change in particular that is causing this level of concern?
Change is always a step into the unknown. It takes us out of the comfort of the familiar and predicable. But even that is an illusion as nothing is truly fixed. The world we live in is fluid and changes with every breathe but to acknowledge that can be terrifying. How could we function if we wondered what would happen every second? How could we achieve anything?
So we ground ourselves in the familiar, the routine, the predicable and it comforts us and makes us feel safe. For those already prone to suffering from anxiety, this isn’t easy anyway and it can be exhausting.
And then something as big as todays news happens. There is something about it that shows a level of change that really makes it hard to hide in the comfort zone. It was the same with the result of the Brexit referendum that many people are still struggling with in the UK.
I am trying to work out what the real anxiety is, is it really to do with the change that is coming as politicians come and go yet this feels very different.
I don’t have an answer but some of the things that are coming to mind are around vulnerability.
One person we will never meet on the other side of the world has the potential to have a huge impact on each of our lives. That is a scary thought, that we are so vulnerable. How can we be in control of our own destinies if that is the case?
If that person has very different values to us, what is going to happen? Do we have the resources to stand up for our values in the face of that sort of opposition? Where would our safety and security be then?
How do we live with people with different values to us? If the power in the world is held by white, straight, Christian males who appear to promote values that show anyone who isn’t the same as them becomes the “other” and the “other” is of less value what happens to those of us who don’t fit the categories? How many others in the world around us hold those views. How safe is that world?
So we feel vulnerable. And that leaves us anxious.
And today a lot of people are extremely anxious.
Protecting your mental health
I’ve been thinking a lot about how the current health crisis is affecting or will impact all our mental health.
I’ve found myself thinking about it more and more and worrying about what I should or shouldn’t do. I’ve also notice I’ve been having dreams that I am a lot more anxious during and after when I wake up.
It is bound to have an impact but we can all do things to help support our mental wellbeing. This article has some useful tips.
Putting some of these into practice will take time and persistence, however, the benefits may be very valuable.
Self care may not always be easy, but I wish you well with it.
How do you know your counsellor is qualified?
The BBC news website published an interesting article about counsellors this week. The titles, counsellor, therapist, psychotherapist are not protected. This means that anyone can advertising themselves as one regardless of their qualifications.
This is why therapists like myself who have studied on courses that meet the requirements of a membership body usually mention this on their website. To give clients more confidence in our experience and professionalism.
I am a member of the British Association of Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). If you wanted to check that, you can search for my name on their register.
It is voluntary to be a member of one of these bodies. However, the majority of counsellors choose to join one. The governments Professional Standards Register recommends you choose a counsellor who is a member of one of a number of bodies and the list can be found here.
Giving up on people
It’s such a hard choice to walk away from someone and can bring up loads of different emotions.
This video clearly explains why sometimes it is the right choice, despite the challenges.
Support after bereavement by murder
There are so many terrible headlines at the moment about violence and murder, not just in London but across the country.
What they don’t really show is the impact of these crimes on extended families and friends. Loosing someone you know by a murder is devastating, even if it’s an acquaintance. It is so much worse for the families and loved ones.
How do you explain it to children and young people. How do you support them through the ongoing process of trying to make sense of something so senseless? How do you support them when you need support yourself?
There is a fantastic organisation, Winstons Wish which supports bereaved children and their families. They also have a whole section dedicated to resources when the bereavement is due to murder or manslaughter.