Tag: Counsellor Catford

Recognising emotional abuse

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What is emotional abuse?

Do you understand emotional abuse understand what it is? For me in many ways, it is one person expecting another to put them first – even though that could be detrimental to the other person. We all want to be important enough to another person that they want to put us first, it is the behaviour that follows comes with the expectation that can lead to abuse.

Put it another way; we would allow and encourage someone to put us first ahead of what is healthy and necessary for them or what they would really choose to do if they felt they could. Using tactics like manipulation, coercion, threats, emotional blackmail, attacking the sense of self and self-worth of another. To deliberately dismiss their values and their rights, their boundaries and autonomy.

I consider it very similar to a parent child relationship; a child is demanding and expecting of their needs to be met by their parent. However, as they age, hopefully they develop self-awareness and empathy for others and learn they can’t have everything they want no matter what the cost to others.

What happens if they don’t give us what we want?

What impact does that have on other relationships? Can they even see what they are expecting and that their behaviour is abusive? I think is part of why it’s so hard to recognise it sometimes. We have some blind spots with parent child relationships, but also, we might not just be the victim of it but we might also be the perpetrator.

Where is the line that you will or won’t cross?

For example, knowing you want to do something with your partner that they don’t want to do but finding a way to change their mind. Why aren’t you respecting their wishes? What were you prepared to do to get your own way? How much emotional pressure did you use to get what you wanted even though you knew they would be unhappy?

How often have you insisted a friend or family member put your needs first, even though they didn’t want to?

This leads to another question that is very uncomfortable to explore – why? Why can’t we accept someone saying no to us? Why can’t we accept that other people come first at times?

My experiences lead me to the conclusion that there is a great deal of insecurity and fear underlying a lot of this behaviour. Things can be changed, but recognising what is happening is necessary as a first step.

Miss Simpsons children

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I listened to a wonderful podcast  about a woman who worked to bring academics to the UK from Europe during the Nazi period. I was really amused by the interview with her where she was prickly when asked about her background. It was quite clear her view was “why does my background matter, judge me by what I do”. 

I couldn’t help but compare it to the situation today, with refuges being stigmatised at home and abroad. 

I was also struck with the similarity to Sara Rowbotham who I mentioned in my last blog post, both women working tirelessly for what they believe to be the right thing no matter what odds they are dealing with. 

What does bravery look like?

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A lot has been written about Sara Rowbotham, the sexual health worker who worked to expose the issues of child sexual exploitation in Rochdale. After the BBC drama 3 Girls based on the case its highlighted how hard it can be to fight for what you believe is right.

Sometimes though bravery is made up of the smaller things. Depending on where our mental health is, just getting up in the morning or leaving the house can be an act of bravery. They may not be noticed by others, or have such an impact on society but for us as individuals they may be invaluable.

Another form of bravery is seeking help when needed. I try to always remember that for clients approaching me, this can be an extremely difficult thing to do. Not only is there the recognition that another person may be needed to help with things, its reaching out to a stranger without any idea of how that will be received. 

Mental Health issues in the media

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I highly recommend this documentary about how mental illness is portrayed in the media. 

Not only does it explore why certain conditions are used for the story narrative but how in most cases it is not accurate. Yet sadly it is the false view that most people associate  certain mental health issues.

It isn’t all gloom though, the documentary also ends with some changes in practice, particularly with soap operas engaging with suffers and telling a much more accurate and sympathetic story.

The media is such a powerful force for shaping our opinions and when that is misused then the public perception of mental health issues can and have been damaged a great deal.

Vulnerability

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In my experience showing vulnerability is incredibly difficult for clients and I am always honoured when they share this with me.

When a facade, a mask has been carefully constructive to help cope with the difficulties life has brought to a person, it takes enormous courage to let someone see behind it.

To trust a professional with that can be the first step to finding a way to bring down the mask that is no longer needed for protection. 

“Not too good actually, not good at all”

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“Not too good actually, not good at all”

Walking through the station today I overheard someone saying this into their phone.

I don’t know the context or what was going on as I moved passed and didn’t hear anything else but I was really struck by the statement.

How often do we really tell the truth when it isn’t very good? This could have been about anything, an interview, work, physical or mental health, relationships or life itself.

  • We don’t usually tell people though for many reasons.
  • We don’t want to worry them
  • We don’t want to admit failure
  • We don’t want to be seen as weak
  • We don’t want to be a burden
  • We don’t think they will care
  • We don’t think they can help
  • We don’t want to be ashamed

So we don’t admit what is really going on. And when we hold back we create a barrier between us and them. Sometimes this is necessary, but what if this barrier is a hindrance? If we can show our vulnerability to our nearest and dearest, how near are they truly?

Coming to therapy may be the first time the client really admits to the things that are not good. Finding the words can be a struggle and take time if they have spent a lot of their time not sharing it.

It can leave us feeling incredible vulnerable to admit that things aren’t going the way we would like them to be. My experience though is that it’s an enormous step in bringing about change. Not all relationship can adjust to it, but those they do are often deeper and much more fulfilling.

 

Delayed grief

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This article, where Prince Harry talks about his delayed grief over his Mother is very moving. He talks about the consequences of not dealing with his feelings at the time and the impact of that in later life. 

 By having counselling, he has found a space to explore that grief and found a way finally to process it. 

In my experience, buried feelings always have an impact on how we live our lives, even decades later. Not everyone wants to address them and they find a way to cope, but for others it is a way to heal and live a more fulfilled life. That’s certainly what it sounds like Prince Harry has found. 

Cost of therapy

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I don’t know if this increase in police calls related to mental health is due to underfunding or something else.

What I do know is that there are a lot of people around this country needing support that they are finding hard to access. Not everyone can afford to pay for private therapy, but for many there isn’t much alternative. Like most therapists I keep my prices as low as possible as I understand its not easy for everyone to fund.

It may seem expensive to you as the client and you may wonder why it is so high. However we have a lot of costs you won’t be aware off that the session fee goes towards. Insurance, membership body fees, advertising and ongoing professional development are all necessary. If you are seeing me or another counsellor in there office, there are additional rental costs which will take a big percentage of the session fee.

If the fees are still too high for you, try and explore what low cost counselling is available in your area. Training institutions usually provide a service with their trainees, specialist charities and in some cases the NHS and Local Authorities. They will all be assessing need and may well have waiting lists sadly.

What are the benefits of online counselling

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Are you thinking about having therapy online but are not sure about if its right for you and don’t understand how it works?

Below are some of the benefits which may apply to you but firstly:

how does it work?

You will need to make some choices on how you want to engage with your therapist. It can be a video call where you see each other or an audio call. Alternatively you can go text-based like having a conversation on a chat application which will still be in real time.

The benefits

Making this choice is one of the first benefits, you can choose what makes you more comfortable. Some people are distracted by video calls and very self-conscious so prefer an audio call. Others have slower connection speed which means they prefer audio or messages. Others prefer message based because they find it very hard to talk about their issues and this makes it easier for them. I have clients who have chosen different ones for these reasons.

You may be one of the many people ok with meeting their counsellor face to face in their office, but you may also be one of those who finds it very hard and it may be stopping you accessing counselling in the first place. Working online means you are able to choose where you are, usually at home, so it can be a lot more comfortable. Being in a more comfortable place can make it easier for you to talk about what is worrying you.

You may be one of the clients who need one of the biggest benefits, convenience. Not having to travel to and from the counsellor’s office can save a lot of time. You may not live or work very close to a counsellor or be in a small community where seeing a local counsellor wouldn’t feel comfortable.

As well as the travel convenience, scheduling a regular weekly slot can be hard for some people due to other commitments. Therefore, for people working shifts, evenings and different patterns each week or have to be in different location this might be the only way you can get to see a counsellor.

Next steps

As a way of working, it’s still relatively new to a lot of people but try it. You might find it is the best way for you. Get in touch and we can schedule a trial session.

What is it really like to have counselling?

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What’s it really like to have counselling?

This is the question that so many people have before they start.

We see so many portrayals of it in the media, some positive, some not.

It doesn’t have to include a couch! My office for my face to face does have one but most people just sit on it.

In our initial assessment I will have some things that we need to cover. The first is around my contract and boundaries of confidential. This is to ensure you know what you are working and ensures you feel safe with those. It wouldn’t be ethical for me to let you tell me loads of things that I then have to disclose as you didn’t know I would have to do that.

The second thing I like to get a feel for is why you want to come to counselling. Not everyone says all the things that are bothering them as this point but it does give me an opportunity to assess if I have the skills and experience to work with you. Again this is about keeping you safe and not offering you something I can’t work with. For example I am not trained to deliver exposure therapy so I am not the person to help you overcome a fear of flying or spiders.

The first sessions usually go one of two ways. The client comes and has loads they want to say and have someone hear so I don’t say much at all.

Alternatively the client isn’t sure where to start and I might invite them to talk about themselves by asking them general questions about themselves and their life.

Each client is unique so it can take time for us to get to know each other better. 

Counselling is all about the relationship between us; I don’t mean that the client is going to hear all about who I am as well. I mean that the client can see if they feel able to share their problems with me. If they can’t do that then the therapy can only go so far.

This relationship can take time which is why I ask clients to give it 6 session unless they absolutely hate it or they already have got what they want out of it.

The more we build our relationship the more the client is able to explore what is going on for them and find some healing.

Why does this experience of therapy brings about change though, that’s another big question. It doesn’t always, let’s be honest about that. Sometimes it the relationship not working as effectively as it could; sometimes it’s just not the right point in the clients life. Too much may be going on to give the therapy the space it needs or they don’t have the best support network around them.

Yet when all these things do come together clients can make amazing changes.

The process is enhanced by have someone who is there for you completely for a fixed period of time every week. It becomes all about you which is quite a unique experience for most of us yet once we become used to it then the work really begins.