Tag: Counselling SE6

Sibling abuse – an interesting article

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This article on sibling abuse raises some interesting points on why it happens and signs to look out for.

It does seem to be focused mainly on sibling sexual abuse rather than physical or emotional abuse. All forms of sibling abuse are hard to get statistics for as in all the studies I’ve researched the sibling figures are included in “other family” general categories.

This quote from the article on impact for me is key for people to understand:

WHAT ARE THE LONG-TERM EFFECTS OF SIBLING ABUSE?

Time does not necessarily heal. Adult victims of childhood sibling abuse generally have lower self-esteem and are overly sensitive and insecure. They have trouble with relationships and repeat the victim role in their other relationships. They can have sexual functioning problems. There is continued self-blame at the same time that anger at their perpetrator is played out with others.

What it’s like for young people in London?

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I work with young people in schools part of the week and I’m constantly saddened and often horrified at what they have to put up with. Maybe the levels of violence and fear aren’t in all areas but they are common enough that it is a problem for all society.

Every time there is a news report in of another stabbing in my area of which there have been too many this week I am looking for names to see if it is someone I know. So far it hasn’t been and I feel relief at that.

That leaves me feeling shame as well that I’m relieved it isn’t someone I know. However, it will be someones loved one. Someone out there is left with the grief and the horror. This moving article is by the brother of a young man who was killed last year.

Are you the family scapegoat?

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This article describes very clearly what it is like to be the family scapegoat in a toxic and abusive family dynamic.

This is a form of emotional abuse. Not only does it involve gas lighting where your experience of reality is denied and twisted, but it also can include collusion from all the family members. While they may not be as active at scapegoating, if they choose to be convinced and don’t take the time to reflect on what is really happening they are colluding with it.

How hard though is it for the person set up as the scapegoat to recover? The sad truth is very hard and this may take a lot of work and self-reflection. When these behaviour patterns get set into us in childhood we can take a lifetime to undo them.

If any of the points are resonating with you though, don’t give up hope. Because while it is hard work to recover, its worth it to find your authentic self and what you are truly capable of.

Children’s Mental Health

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As a school counsellor this article on children’s mental health sadly comes as no surprise to me. Its a terrible struggle to get children and young people into mental health treatments. Too many are being turned away as not meeting the criteria and thresholds. 1 in 4 as this article quotes also seems too low based on my experience.

Its not just an issue for those being refused treatment, or even the schools picking up the slack as best they can.

Each of these children and young people will (hopefully) grow up to be an adult. Statistically a lot of adults with mental health issues are first seen in childhood. By failing to treat them effectively when they first appear there is a greater risk of them affective the person throughout their life. This impacts all of society, with the cost of this being extended not just on treatment but potentially less ability to work and more benefits are needed.

Its a short term cost saving but the long term is creating more misery and hopelessness when there can and should be hope and recovery.

As the article says, its very bleak.

Intimate partner violence

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Below is a reminder of the scale of violence between intimate partners. This is an American organisation so the overall totals reflect that countries population but there is no reason to believe that the same ratio’s don’t apply in the UK. The EU wide survey published in 2014 documents one in three women (33 %) has experienced physical and/or sexual violence since she was 15 years old.

Infographic displaying latest statistics from the National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey 2010-2012. Shows key statistics on intimate partner violence, sexual violence, rape, violence experienced before the age of 18, and resulting negative impacts such as feeling fearful, concern for safety and symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder among women and men in the United States.

Are you afraid to let the light in?

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Do you find there are times when it can be hard to be anything but your suffering? I know I experience that.

Today I came across this quote and I found it so moving. Our wounds are painful and reminders of what we have been through, but they can be so much more. I identify the light as empathy. The ability and willingness to sit with someone else pain and to help them come to terms with it. To be able to reach deep understanding of others in a non-judgemental way. Without my own wounds I wouldn’t I don’t think I would have developed this ability to the extent I have.

What is your light?

Imposter syndrome

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This article describes really well what happens with imposter syndrome.

In my experience it is very linked to emotional abuse; not just from parents and guardians but also siblings.

Siblings who resent the attention that another sibling gets can cause great damage with their jealously. When you end up feeling insecure and paranoid because of doing well at something it doesn’t help you grow into a confident and secure adult.

Hyperviligance

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I really like this video on hypervigilance as it explains it far better than I ever could.

So much of anxiety is rooted in not feeling safe, even when we haven’t been able to recognise that is what is going on.

It takes work to ease the symptoms and reduce them. Of course, the paradox is that the more useful it may be to find a counsellor the hard it is to reach out to one.

I know how difficult first contact is. How difficult it is to express what your struggles are. I hope you can find the strength to get in touch so we can work on your resilience together.

Gas lighting

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Gas lighting takes away a persons ability to trust in reality and they can end up blaming themselves for the appalling behaviour of another person.

“If I was better/smarter/slimmer/kinder/quieter/cleverer/etc then they wouldn’t be so upset and frustrated with me”.

Other people can get pulled into it as well and can see the victim in the way the perpetrators wants them to so they miss the abuse that is happening.

This isn’t limited to gender roles either, despite the most common examples being reported as men abusing women. It also isn’t limited to partners; its a form of abuse that can occur with any type of relationship. Family, friends, work. I have worked with sibling abuse in this form and also adults who were raised by parents who did this.

It takes the victim time and space to trust their own perceptions again; to stop self blaming. They may never heal completely, but it is possible to bring about a lot of change.

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/gaslighting-and-how-can-it-change-a-victims-perception-of-reality-domestic-abuse-violence-a7347781.html