Counselling in London or online
Siobhan Toner offering individual one-to-one therapy in London or online
This post has a very honest experience of living with depression and how peoples advice, no matter how well meaning can be very unhelpful for the suffer.
Mental health issues are complex and the more they are understood by those around the one suffering the more it will help.
This article on abuse contains a video click I’ve seen a few times, but each time I watch it I find it distressing.
What impact does neglect and abuse have long term for adults? The cycles of abuse can continue for generations, to work on changing that can be the work of a life time but changing things, no matter how difficult can help break the cycles.
It can be useful to have an idea what you want out of therapy, but not to stick to that too rigidly.
In my experience, sometimes people are surprised at where it leads them and the benefits they get.
In the early days, a lot of the work can focus on other people, if they did things differently, if they weren’t the problem.
But a lot of clients come to the conclusion that they can’t change other people, but they can change how they respond to them. In the end, we can only change ourselves and what those changes become is where the unexpected element comes from.
The most profound change we can make is learning to love and accept ourselves.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-gloucestershire-39456449
I don’t know if you have seen this story, about a man being abused on social media because his car is considered an eyesore.
It brought up all sorts of emotions for me when I read the original story and even more when I saw the support he has received.
Tourists complained that his bright yellow car which he parked outside his own home ruined the view of the picturesque village he lives in. It was then vandalised.
I was furious when I first heard about that, I realise now its not just because of this story but what it represents. All too often, clients end up in distress because they have been told repeatedly by others how they should be or what they should do. Other people believing they have a right to dictate what a life and personality should be. The unasked for and unwelcome judgement of others can lead to verbal mocking and vandalism as in this case but also violence and mental health issues.
But this story also brought me hope. The fact that a rally has been held in support of the little yellow car with lots of other yellow cars lightened up my day.
The celebration of being outside the ‘norm’ and the support given to someone being victimised for it also reminded me of other stories and experiences.
We may be a little yellow car and it may cause problems because of some people, but someone else out there will get it. We just need to find them and hold onto ourselves so we can find a way to celebrate our yellowness.
I have discovered a singer on YouTube with a few really interesting songs.
A couple of songs on bullying:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21LHPg57nxg
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYBInv7_4m8
and one on suicide prevention:
Do you understand emotional abuse understand what it is? For me in many ways, it is one person expecting another to put them first – even though that could be detrimental to the other person. We all want to be important enough to another person that they want to put us first, it is the behaviour that follows comes with the expectation that can lead to abuse.
Put it another way; we would allow and encourage someone to put us first ahead of what is healthy and necessary for them or what they would really choose to do if they felt they could. Using tactics like manipulation, coercion, threats, emotional blackmail, attacking the sense of self and self-worth of another. To deliberately dismiss their values and their rights, their boundaries and autonomy.
I consider it very similar to a parent child relationship; a child is demanding and expecting of their needs to be met by their parent. However, as they age, hopefully they develop self-awareness and empathy for others and learn they can’t have everything they want no matter what the cost to others.
What impact does that have on other relationships? Can they even see what they are expecting and that their behaviour is abusive? I think is part of why it’s so hard to recognise it sometimes. We have some blind spots with parent child relationships, but also, we might not just be the victim of it but we might also be the perpetrator.
For example, knowing you want to do something with your partner that they don’t want to do but finding a way to change their mind. Why aren’t you respecting their wishes? What were you prepared to do to get your own way? How much emotional pressure did you use to get what you wanted even though you knew they would be unhappy?
This leads to another question that is very uncomfortable to explore – why? Why can’t we accept someone saying no to us? Why can’t we accept that other people come first at times?
My experiences lead me to the conclusion that there is a great deal of insecurity and fear underlying a lot of this behaviour. Things can be changed, but recognising what is happening is necessary as a first step.
I listened to a wonderful podcast about a woman who worked to bring academics to the UK from Europe during the Nazi period. I was really amused by the interview with her where she was prickly when asked about her background. It was quite clear her view was “why does my background matter, judge me by what I do”.
I couldn’t help but compare it to the situation today, with refuges being stigmatised at home and abroad.
I was also struck with the similarity to Sara Rowbotham who I mentioned in my last blog post, both women working tirelessly for what they believe to be the right thing no matter what odds they are dealing with.
A lot has been written about Sara Rowbotham, the sexual health worker who worked to expose the issues of child sexual exploitation in Rochdale. After the BBC drama 3 Girls based on the case its highlighted how hard it can be to fight for what you believe is right.
Sometimes though bravery is made up of the smaller things. Depending on where our mental health is, just getting up in the morning or leaving the house can be an act of bravery. They may not be noticed by others, or have such an impact on society but for us as individuals they may be invaluable.
Another form of bravery is seeking help when needed. I try to always remember that for clients approaching me, this can be an extremely difficult thing to do. Not only is there the recognition that another person may be needed to help with things, its reaching out to a stranger without any idea of how that will be received.
I highly recommend this documentary about how mental illness is portrayed in the media.
Not only does it explore why certain conditions are used for the story narrative but how in most cases it is not accurate. Yet sadly it is the false view that most people associate certain mental health issues.
It isn’t all gloom though, the documentary also ends with some changes in practice, particularly with soap operas engaging with suffers and telling a much more accurate and sympathetic story.
The media is such a powerful force for shaping our opinions and when that is misused then the public perception of mental health issues can and have been damaged a great deal.
In my experience showing vulnerability is incredibly difficult for clients and I am always honoured when they share this with me.
When a facade, a mask has been carefully constructive to help cope with the difficulties life has brought to a person, it takes enormous courage to let someone see behind it.
To trust a professional with that can be the first step to finding a way to bring down the mask that is no longer needed for protection.
