Category: Abuse

Domestic Abuse

siobhantonerLeave a comment

Living in a home with domestic violence creates long term problems for all. Its not always as obvious as physical acts of violence; there are other more subtle ways to control and terrorise.

This article about two Brothers whose Father murdered their Mother and Sister describes their experience. What strikes me is that as is often the case the article quotes a neighbour describing the murderer as “a nice guy”. When I  read about these cases I nearly always find quotes like this, as though their behaviour is so out of character.

Whether it is a case that has ended in murder or not, so many people want to make excuses for the abuser. Too often the victim is blamed. Either they are not believed at all or they are deemed as responsible for “provoking” the abuser. Outsiders who haven’t lived in the home feel they have a right to comment in defence.

The reality is domestic abusers are often skilled manipulators. Friends and acquaintances are also being manipulated by them. Its often only those closest to them who may know the real people.

Therefore, don’t be fooled by a stereotype of what you think an abuser looks like. They aren’t all addicts and out of control people brawling in the street. They can be anyone, at any level of society. From the person serving you coffee to the bank manager, to your next door neighbour… to your friend…. to your family. And they won’t always be men either.

Emotional Abuse

siobhantoner

The Christmas period can highlight some of the cracks within family systems and our relationships within them  I’ve been thinking a lot about emotional abuse lately and its impact, not just on the victim but the abuser.

Once the victim of emotional abuse recognises what is happening they often cut off all contact. When this is within families, parent and child or sibling, the abuser may still be left with expectations that are now not being met by the other person.

How often does the abuser recognise that it was their actions that led to the estrangement? In my experience, very rarely. Without that acknowledgement, the situation isn’t going to change. Instead the abuser may fall into a pattern of recrimination and self-pity and end up feeling as though they are the person who is being mistreated and believe that their victim is the one in the wrong.

Until we are able to really take responsibility, its not possible to grow as individuals. Its hard when we have done things that have harmed others but necessary.

Not such a great time of the year

siobhantoner

There is a lot of celebrating going on around us at this time of year, but what if you aren’t part of that?

There are many reasons that you may be finding the festivities hard to cope with. One of those is bereavement, either a recent one or one that happened at this time of year in the past. Cruse have put together the graphic at the bottom of the page which you may find useful.

But there are other reasons; you may be suffering from an illness that makes it hard to feel like celebrating. This could be a mental health illness or one that gives you physical pain.

You might be estranged from family members and all the talk of family gatherings make it hard for you to join in the happiness because of your own emotions.

Your children may not be spending Christmas with you as they are with their other parent or your family is in another country.

You may be lonely and feel you don’t have anyone to spend the holiday with.

There are always organisations open to offer you crisis help if you need it, the most well know is the Samaritans who are there to talk if you need it.

Maybe what you need is to plan to change something longer term and are thinking about therapy. This might be the time to initiate that, please feel free to contact me if that is the case.

To all those people who are finding it tough this year I hope you find some solace and find some peace despite what is going on for you.

Separated families

siobhantoner

I see more online about family estrangements and separated families. While its always a risk going into comment sections of social media I also find it interested how people view these situations.

Now, like everyone else apart from those directly involved, I don’t know the full story of what is being posted. I do know the stories of many people (including my own) of those who have chosen to cease contact with family members. It’s never an easy choice and it usually comes after years or decades of toxic or abusive relationships. Within those relationships, all parties may have displayed behaviour they are not proud of; they may have tried to repair things unsuccessfully; they may have papered over the cracks again and again. 

Each story will be different. What isn’t helpful is other people who are on the outside passing judgments. These judgements are at best unwelcome and also potentially damaging and abusive.

I was reminded recently of the request by many school for parents not to take photos at school plays because they may contain images of other children who are at risk. With these being put on social media, then they can be traced must easier. I am sure there are people who object to this as their experiences have meant that haven’t had to consider these things. It’s the same with judging separated families.

Without the experiences then it may not be obvious why people make the choices they make. Instead of judging or worse interfering in a way that can put people at risk, try and ask yourself what would lead someone to make a choice like that?

If you haven’t had a family like this, then please recognise what a privilege that is for you. A secure loving family of one of the greatest advantages anyone can have. The evidence on adverse childhood experiences which I have written about before show just what an advantage this gives to you. 

If you have made a choice to remove contact with a family member, then I am sorry you have needed to and I wish you well. It can seem so much harder in December dealing with these issues as family celebrations are promoted to us everywhere.

Better Brains

siobhantoner

I really like this video on how children’s brains develop and the impact of toxic stress.

I mentioned in my last post how intergenerational trauma can be passed on through environmental factors. This video show how important the environment we are raised in is to help us and our brains develop. However, if the parents were also raised in environments that weren’t supportive then you can see how they wouldn’t have the skills to change the patterns. 

Many of my clients both young people and adults have come from childhoods where things weren’t as good as they could have been. Its never to late to work on the damage caused, it might be harder the longer things have gone on for but change can still happen.

Christmas and Intergenerational Trauma

siobhantoner1 Comment

Why do so many people struggle with seeing their family en masse? It’s most noticeable during holiday events or special occasions one of which is Christmas which isn’t far away.

Gathering together members of the family gives a space for all the old patterns of behaviour to be played out again. All the unresolved issues are brought back to the surface and we witness the intergenerational trauma. 

Siblings may revert to their childhood roles that their parents allocated for them, even if that was decades ago. Their parents fail to see the adults they have become and treat them as they perceived them in the past. 

Grandchildren see their own parents behaving or being treated very differently and this influences how they relate to their parents. Not just during the time frame they are all together but moving onward.

There are two strands for us to consider when thinking about Intergenerational trauma. One generation that has not been able to process their trauma in a healthy way can pass it on to the next generation through their behaviour and causing more trauma to them and they repeating the cycle to the next. It can flow on for many generations causing more and more damage and dysfunction.

However, there is also research being done on how this affects our genes. This is called Epigenetic’s and is the study of how environments and events can affect how our bodies read and responds to our DNA without changing the DNA sequence itself. The research is exploring if traumatic events in one generation get passed down through the generations that come other in how we respond to certain triggers and stimuli.

This article gives more details of what this means and the types of research that is being undertaken.

Whether its just behaviour or epigenetic’s also plays a part, there is no doubt that breaking the cycle of intergeneration trauma is hard but necessary work. 

Healing is a process that starts with acknowledging that there is something not right. What it ends up as is going to be different for everyone and its not always helpful to have an idea or compare to others as this can lead to a sense of failure rather than achievement and self-compassion.

Before this holiday season starts, are you already dreading what may happens and being with your family for an extended period of time? Is this the time to acknowledge that something isn’t right? 

Male abuse victims

siobhantoner

The issue of male victims of domestic abuse is beginning to get more attention. Sadly though there is very little support available to them and the very limited number of refuges for them are under threat.

This article gives details of some first hand experiences and the estimated scale of the issue. It claims 1 in 6 men could be a victim in their lifetime. However, this is an estimate as it’s such an under-reported and mis-understood crime.

Sufficient support for all victims of domestic abuse regardless of gender is sadly hard to come by.

False accusations

siobhantoner

I sometimes come across a view point that counselling is only for a certain type of person. While it’s not always specific what that type is maybe you can fill in the blanks for yourself.

It can be that a person comes to counselling because of a series of events but sometimes it is just one unexpected thing that rocks a person so badly they need support to come to terms with where it has left them.

None of us can anticipate or prepare for a day like that. We will get up, get washed and dressed, follow our usual routine or no routine oblivious to the fact that tomorrow morning our lives will be completely different.

The life changing event can take many forms. An error in judgement on our part or someone else’s. stepping out into the road too soon, not applying the brakes quickly enough. Getting on the wrong train. Missing a bus and walking instead. Our lives are full of these possibilities and thankfully they don’t always come to pass.

Sometimes though it’s an event caused maliciously and deliberately or one where someone is working to deflect attention and/or guilt from themselves.

False accusations of sexual abuse can fall into this category. Whatever gender we are, there will be others of any gender who will use these type of allegations for many reasons. To get revenge, to punish someone, to avoid their own feelings of guilt and shame, to convince themselves they aren’t responsible for their own actions.

Whatever the reason, the person accused will never to quite the same. Even when no charges are brought or if the are dismissed at trial, there will always be people who view them with suspicious and believe them guilty.

They will have to find a way in future relationships to share what has happened and run the risk of being judged as well. 

Finding a way to reclaim trust in people when it gets shattered is no easy task. It can take a great deal of work and determination to keep trying; to hang onto hope that things will improve; to make yourself vulnerable again. 

That’s when people need support.

Male domestic abuse

siobhantoner

Trigger warning – the linked article contains details of domestic abuse

This article is a very clear at detailing the impact of long term domestic abuse. It documents both physical and emotional abuse over a significant period of time. The toll it took on the victim, not just while they were with their partner by the psychological impact they have experienced ever since.

The victim in this case is male, the perpetrator female. This is a form of abuse that is still not as recognised by society and the scale of if is I believe still significantly under-reported.

Even the victims can find it incredibly hard to name what is happening to them as abuse. How society views maleness and what a man should be like can make it even harder for them to seek help as they can be mocked and vilified for “letting” this happen to them.

I am affiliated with Mencasa which aims to help you find a suitable therapist with experience in this area. Please get in touch if you need it.

Sibling abuse – an interesting article

siobhantoner

This article on sibling abuse raises some interesting points on why it happens and signs to look out for.

It does seem to be focused mainly on sibling sexual abuse rather than physical or emotional abuse. All forms of sibling abuse are hard to get statistics for as in all the studies I’ve researched the sibling figures are included in “other family” general categories.

This quote from the article on impact for me is key for people to understand:

WHAT ARE THE LONG-TERM EFFECTS OF SIBLING ABUSE?

Time does not necessarily heal. Adult victims of childhood sibling abuse generally have lower self-esteem and are overly sensitive and insecure. They have trouble with relationships and repeat the victim role in their other relationships. They can have sexual functioning problems. There is continued self-blame at the same time that anger at their perpetrator is played out with others.